


this is me trying.

by tabbytabbytabby



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Cuddling & Snuggling, Eddie Diaz Needs a Hug (9-1-1 TV), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feelings, First Kiss, Introspection, Light Angst, M/M, Mentioned Christopher Diaz, Mentioned Shannon Diaz, Soft Eddie Diaz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:40:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25496974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tabbytabbytabby/pseuds/tabbytabbytabby
Summary: Eddie's always felt like he has to keep his walls up and be strong. Until Buck comes along and slowly starts chipping away at those carefully built walls.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 24
Kudos: 284





	this is me trying.

**Author's Note:**

> Title and lyrics comes from ["this is me trying"](https://youtu.be/9bdLTPNrlEg) by Taylor Swift. I was listening to it and it just gave me a bunch of feelings about Eddie. So here we are.

_They told me all of my cages were mental  
So I got wasted like all my potential  
And my words shoot to kill when I'm mad  
I have a lot of regrets about that_

For as long as Eddie remembers he was told he had to be strong. Don’t show emotion. Don’t let anyone know you’re upset. Sure as hell don’t let anyone see you cry. Men don’t cry. The words were repeated so often to him as a kid and then as he got older that they became ingrained in his mind, burned in like a brand, long after he left home and tried to build a life for himself.

And maybe that’s where he went wrong. The root of all his problems. He’s built up walls so high that no one can break them down, save for maybe Christopher. But even then Eddie has to work for it. Not to love his son. That is as easy as breathing. But being vulnerable? It’s a work in progress. Even as he tries to make sure Christopher knows it's okay to talk about his feelings. He’s getting there, but it’s not easy.

Shannon, god Shannon had tried to get through to him. She had. And he had tried too. He'd tried so hard to be what she needed. But Eddie’s stubbornness had always won out. His need to be strong and provide for his family instead of showing even a hint of vulnerability. It hadn't been fair. He knows that. But he'd never been able to shut out the voice in his head telling him to be strong and not let his cracks show. 

The only person that has even come close to breaking down is walls is Buck. With his bright smiles and heart on his sleeve. At first Eddie doesn’t understand it. How can one person be so okay with being so open? But the more he gets to know Buck, the more he realizes there’s a lot that even he doesn’t let the world see. All the pain that he keeps buried. 

Eddie wants to burrow down and chase all the pain away. To make sure Buck never gets that sad, lost look in his eyes again. It terrifies him sometimes because it’s a look he’s seen too often reflected back at himself in the mirror. One he rarely shows. A look of someone who's lost too much. Who’s afraid of losing yet another person he loves.

And yet Buck keeps loving. He loves with everything he is. And somehow Eddie becomes one of those people Buck loves. Eddie doesn’t know when it happened, but one day he looked over at his best friend and saw him watching him, his face expression soft and open and so full of love it made Eddie’s chest ache. Both with want and with fear.

Fear of something happening and him being yet another person Buck loses. Fear of losing Buck. He doesn’t know what he would do if that ever happened. Buck’s become so ingrained in his life that Eddie doesn’t know how to exist without him. And he doesn’t want to.

He knows he should just talk to Buck, but he doesn’t know how to let Buck in on what he’s feeling. Every time he opens his mouth, the words he needs to say won’t come. He knows Buck is waiting for him to be ready. He’s there, at Eddie’s side, never wavering, keeping him anchored in the rocky waters that are his thoughts. 

And he deserves so much. So much more than Eddie can give him. He loves Buck more than he ever thought he would be capable of. And that scares the hell out of him. It has doubts creeping in. Fear of not being enough. Of not being able to be what Buck needs and his stubbornness pushing Buck away like it has so many other people. He knows how angry Buck would be if ever knew Eddie thought that. Buck’s different and would never willingly leave them. But sometimes leaving isn’t a choice. The thought of him leaving, of him getting tired of waiting for Eddie to be ready, terrifies him. So much that he finds his walls cracking and crumbling at his feet one night as they sit on the couch, bodies pressed close from hip to knee. They’d just put Christopher to bed like they’ve done so many times but something about tonight felt different. It reminded Eddie of how fragile all of this is.

He turns, half crawling onto Buck’s lap as he hugs him around the middle and buries his face in his neck. Buck’s arms are quick to wrap around him, holding him close, and letting Eddie burrow into his warmth and security. Eddie has so many things he wants to say to Buck. At least an explanation. But all he can do is hold on. 

Buck’s hands move down his back and through his hair, grounding him, with a gentleness that only Buck can have. He murmurs reassurances against his skin and Eddie holds on tighter. Each word serves to chip away at Eddie’s carefully built armor until it’s crumbling around them.

_I’ve got you. I’m here. You’re safe._

Eddie knows all of that with certainty. It should scare him, putting that much trust and belief in one person. But this is Buck. If anyone is deserving of that trust, it’s him.

Eddie inhales deeply, feeling for the first in a while like he can breathe. 

He pulls back, his eyes meeting Buck’s. There’s no judgement or disgust there. Just love and understanding. It gives Eddie the bravery he needs to lean in and press his lips to Buck’s. Buck kisses him back, soft and sure. It feels _right_. Like this is where they were always heading.

Eddie knows it’s not always going to be this easy. That he still has a lot of his issues to work through, but he also knows Buck is going to be here with him as he does. 

_And I just wanted you to know that this is me trying_   
_(And maybe I don't quite know what to say)_   
_I just wanted you to know that this is me trying_

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Kudos/comments make my day 💜  
> You can find me [here on tumblr](http://tabbytabbytabby.tumblr.com/)


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